A Year In Between

Plaid can provide great camouflage when hiding from menfolk.

So, life seems to have a way of bouncing you back in forth when you’re trying to move past something painful. Sometimes it’s hard to wake up in the morning knowing that every day can end up going either way. You could have an amazing day full of new beginnings, or something could trigger the pain bubble and send you spiraling to a point of minor despair. But if you get the courage to tumble out of bed and put your best foot forward, every day can yield a lesson. If you’re open to it, you can change yourself and change your behavior because of that lesson. Growth can only really happen if you make the decision to move forward and stay open.

I saw an episode of a sitcom the other day, and one of the characters made the point that you can do one of two things after a break up. You can throw yourself into work, bettering yourself and moving forward with your career. Or you can move on by getting back out there and playing the field. I don’t think that one way is better than the other, but I tend to agree that this is generally how people react after a break up.

At first, I really thought it was necessary to do both. I really thought I should better myself, heal, take my career to the next level, travel, study yoga and comedy, take care of a stranger’s home in a strange land and… date.

I thought that in order to move on, you had to start dating. I mean, when your ex moves on, you should too. And that means that you need to begin going on dates. So despite my real feelings about the whole idea of dating right now (I abhorred it), I assumed it was a necessary part of getting on with my life.

So I did it. I started dating. I internet dated. I went on dates with people I’d met in the real world. I went on a date with an artist, a yogi, a photographer, a student, and a software engineer. I was talking to several dudes that I never had the time to meet. My phone was blowing up like a call girl with an ad in Vegas newspaper. I was keeping busy, and it was all pretty exciting and then… Boom!

After a decent second date with a decent guy that ended in a decent second make out session, I woke up and tumbled out of my bed with the feeling of despair for the second time. This guy was great, but I kept getting this feeling that I didn’t want anything to do with it. I didn’t want to convince someone else that I’m worthwhile to date and hear all of the reasons why they’re worthwhile to date. I didn’t want to move past my baggage and his baggage. I’m just not interested. There are too many awesome things going on in my life right now.

My job is fantastic. I love the people I get to work with and the work I get to do. I love having the freedom to get up and follow my dreams and my whims, wherever they may lead me. So, I’m done dating and I’m moving on in my own way. Looks like that will take us into the mountains this time. More on that next week… Stay tuned!

Everything is perfect. It’s an early morning in Chicago and it’s, yet again, unseasonably warm. I wake up in what seems like a John Mayer music video, minus the John Mayer part, and I’m okay with that. I’ve been at this house sit for a few days and I’m trying desperately to get out of the funk that I was in last week in order to enjoy this to the fullest. I mean, looking around I can’t really believe that I’m here, just a few months ago, I was sitting in my parents place, afraid of where I would end up, afraid of being alone.

I stretch and tumble out of bed, ruffle the hair on Hayley’s head (the lovely house sit collie) and notice the sunshine pouring in as I make a pot of tea. I fry an egg and throw it on a bed of polenta and start taking pictures to test the light for future food pictures for my vegan recipe blog. It’s beautiful.

Hayley and I ramble around the neighborhood, snuggle on the couch. I read, enjoy the quiet, put on dubstep, dance like a crazy person. I wander over into an industrial district and climb the stairs to a light-flooded yoga studio. I stretch and hold and move forward and learn about my body and feel myself begin to mend. Then I sit down here and try to figure out how to put it all into words.

My ego was damaged last week. It hurt to be toyed with, but in the end, everything I felt last week, a few months ago, last night, I realize that I made myself feel that way. I made myself afraid. I made myself feel unwanted and unloved. I made myself  fear that I would never have a better existence than the dysfunctional one that I knew so well. But when I think about how lucky I am that I fell into this place at a time when I so desperately needed to heal, well, I can’t help but let all of my fear drop to the floor and become excited about the future. I mean, look at this place.

Hola Inbetweenies! I’ll get back to my normal goofy and jazzed-for-everything-about-life self next week. Right now, I have some things to get off my chest. Is this going to be like that time when I listened to Sea Change and talked about living in purgatory? No… Okay. Maybe a little bit.

It just seems that every time I finally start feeling better, and I’m getting excited about the world that’s becoming my own, I get smacked with a new version of the old bag of tricks. He contacts me to say that he wants to forgive me, bury the hatchet; that he wants to say sorry, even though he never really says it. In the end, days later, when I realize I let him beat me down once again, I also realize that there is no fixing this anymore.

There’s no going back to the way I felt when I was that administrative assistant who fell in love with his easy charm. It’s time to surrender and step away. There’s no way a person who holds such anger for me could be a part of my life. Friends? Forgiveness? Love? These are just words. It’s apparent that we can’t live any of these things with each other.

Over. That’s the only word that fits right now. It’s the only one that feels right. We could spend weeks throwing around blame, but it’s just done. So let’s just let it be done. Let’s act like grown ups about it, and move along on our separate paths.

I’m open to all of the signs that are pointing the way while I walk in this new direction. I listen for truth and feel my way. I am present on this journey and I see the brightness in it. I never feel like I’m walking in the dark, because at every turn, things seem to become more illuminated.

I feel every step. I’ve taken the blindfolds from my feet and I see the path from the arch, heel, sole and soul.  And with every step, I gain more purpose, more focus. I gather goals and reset the course. With every step, I feel that this was the right thing to do. I made a choice to live my life in constant transition for awhile, and I live in the consequences. Some of them are beautiful, some of them are challenging. Once this is truly over, I know my steps will be lighter. When the past stops pulling at me, pretending to be the present, I’ll finally be free.

I had this thought this morning in the shower, after I sent the message that will finally end it all: I fantasize about the day when I see your face and can walk away. I’m smiling and so are you. I laugh and turn away. You laugh and let me go.

Perhaps it’s just a fantasy. Only time will tell.

New Year, New Yoga!

Hello In Betweeners! Happy New Year! This is so exciting! I’d like to tell you a little about my amazing New Years Eve experience. It was one of those beautiful days that will shape the rest of my year. Here’s what went down:

Yesterday, I headed to Chicago for my Second City orientation. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Second City, it’s a world famous sketch comedy school. It’s where Tina Fey, Jim Belushi, and Bill Murray (among many, many other comedic geniuses) have studied. Walking in those doors, I figured I was in for a sarcastic, joke filled, “pick on an audience member” kind of orientation. I mean, it’s a comedy school, aren’t they supposed to be all about making fun?

I never really thought about the term “making fun” but that’s exactly what they do at Second City. They make life fun. That place is about pure surrender and joy. It’s also about togetherness, community, and creativity. It just so happens that this highly enlightened group of individuals works within the parameters of comedy sketches. I knew I was drawn to this place for a reason, but I had no idea that it was going to jive with the path I was already on in such a meaningful way. I figured I would learn how to write a few jokes and that I would learn how to make fun of the world. I never imagined that I was going to be learning how to make fun in the world. Score!

Then, I went on to one of the most memorable and life enhancing New Years Eve nights that I have ever experienced. Instead of spending my new year drinking too much, kissing a stranger, feeling gross about it, and starting off the year with a massive hangover, I cashed in my chips and signed up for a NYE gathering at a yoga studio I had never been before called Turbodog Yoga. They teach Forrest yoga, which I had never practiced before. It’s amazing. It’s a practice that’s devoted to personal growth. The lovely instructors were very hands on. They use their hands to instruct the air in your body where to go and making a ton of adjustments while they teach you about your body. Double score!

After practice, we had an amazing pot luck picnic and moved onto an intention and goal setting ceremony that was out of this world. It not only aligned me with what I want to do in the coming year, it also gave me a new sense of power and joy that I’m really spreading around today. We used ceremony to determine our goals, their implications, the things that usually block us from achieving goals and we made concrete plans to fully realize our goals and intentions.

It was awesome! And I have so much more to tell you… but alas, we’re out of time again. Bah! P.S. Does anyone know how to make more time?

How was your NYE? What are your goals for the new year?

From the balcony at Luna's

Happy Solstice everyone! I reeeeeally reaaaally reaaally want to talk about what’s going on right now, but I’m a charming, sweet and lovely lady of my word so I’ll carry on with ye old Panama Update. I’m going to have to figure out how to either slow down time, or be less awesome in the future, because we’re weeks behind on real time now and I’m already onto new things that I’d like to talk about. C’est la vie. Let’s do this.

So, when we left off, we dropped the super eccentric Linda at the airport to fly back to Georgia for the holidays. I still had 7 days in Panama City to play around with, so I headed over to the enchanted Luna’s Castle to see what was up with the whole staying in a hostel thing.

I don’t know about you, but when I was young, I dreamed about backpacking around the world, staying in hostels, and lying around in hammocks all the live long day. But I never did it, until I took this year off. That’s what this year is about folks, making dreams come true.

Like most dreams and fantasies, it was everything and nothing like I imagined it would be. In a nutshell, it was:

• communal living
• falling in love every four hours
• meeting fantastic people
• taking fantastic spur of the moment trips to tropical island raves where bonding with said fantastic people took place
• too short
• exhausting
• warm
• rainy
• beautiful

I’m realizing every day that this year off, isn’t really a year off in the truest sense of the word. I’m not relaxing for months at a time. I still have a few responsibilities. But I took off for a year. I quit my old life. And I did it for the same reason that most people do it, to find myself, to understand who I am and what I need to do in this crazy world.

It’s more about doing the most with the hand I’ve been dealt, exploring the land around me (wherever that may be), growth, understanding, realizing my dreams, developing my vegan food blog, and love. Mostly about love. I’ll wake up every day just to fall in love with every moment of it. If it turns out that I’ve missed the point, I’m okay with that.

So, I’ve found Chicago. It was right under my nose the whole time. I’ll be here for a few months this winter taking classes at The Second City and learning how to make people laugh. It has one of the best online colleges for clowns and misc. jokers, but I decided to do the whole thing in person. While I’m here, I’ve been hanging out with an amazing Chicago comic artist and catching up with some old friends. I hope you all have some amazing and relaxing holidays. See you next week!