We met on my first little journey to Panama in December. I hopped in a death trap of an SUV, with a bunch of strangers, to an island for a three day full moon gathering/electronica festie. She just happened to be the stranger driving the death trap.

She mentioned over dinner last night that we fell into comfortable silence really quickly. I had never noticed it, but that was true. I had a lot of work last week, so I worked through the entire weekend. Somehow, I got everything done and had the best time while I was doing it. We spent a lot of time in coffee shops and on public transit, and that really helped get in all of that work. It was so nice to be able to look up from the business of writing about the best online schools to crack a joke to someone who got it.

Since this year in between is about working and traveling at the same time, I suppose I should give an update on how that’s going as well. In short, it’s going better than I could have ever expected. I’m finally on a really great schedule that I can take with me anywhere. Everytime I’m sitting for ten minutes, I pull out my netbook and get some work done. I’ve learned how to type on it with just my thumbs like it’s an over-sized blackberry. It’s pretty impressive.

For some reason, ever since I quit caffeine last week, I’ve become so much more productive without getting anxiety. I don’t know if there’s a correlation between the two or not, but whatever’s going on, it’s been a welcome change. When I went to Panama, I really thought that I wasn’t going to be able to swing it. But the more I travel and the more I work, the more I realize that it’s totally possible and incredibly exhilerating.
How has your week been?

I find that when I’m really living in the moment, when I’m totally present, Father Time seems to slow down. Every once in awhile he sits down and takes a load off. Sometimes he’s just chillin’, sauntering along, smelling the roses and enjoying himself.

But as soon as I take on a bunch of extra work, and push myself forward creatively and physically, he starts booking it. Weeks fly by like days, fly by like minutes, fly by in an instant. And then I take a look at the calendar and think… Dang. That was a month.

Maybe it’s the nature of being young. Maybe it’s the speed of the city. Perhaps it’s the nature of being busy. It’s not that I’m not having a great time, sometimes it just seems like it’s moving forward without me. I suppose it is.

I just don’t want to get mixed up in this trap of being too busy to enjoy this journey.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I didn’t do anything that exciting this week. I moved out of my house sit, which was pretty sad. But I learned a ton in my time there.

I learned how joyful it is to sleep soundly and have a steady schedule. I learned how to take responsibility again. I learned how to let it out and how to let it go. I learned so much about my body and my mind. I discovered what I want to be and how I want to proceed.

I made a lot of leaps this month. And it seems like it just flew by. So I’d like to send a request to Father Time today.

Dear Father Time,

Mellow out, man.

Love,

Corinne

I fell in love with brussel sprouts this week! Among tons of other exciting things that I did...

Cheers to getting a grip!

Last week was like a wake up call on getting my shiz together. But it was also a very transformative week. So today, since I don’t have anything super exciting to share with you (mama’s been bringin’ home the bacon and wearing her stretchy pants as per the usual), I’d like to talk to you about the very valuable lessons I learned last week that have helped me get said grip, on said life.

Slow Growth

I ran into a friend of mine on the street this week. It’s not something you expect to happen when you’re new, in a city of several million people, not in your neighborhood, and only have about six friends. It’s really not something you expect to happen when your head is in the clouds and you’ve been walking for miles and the other person is coming in the opposite direction on a bike… and, well let’s just say that it was a welcome coincidence. After talking for awhile, he said something that really struck a cord with me. “Easing into changes has to be an art form. We all just want to dive in and be there. ” Aha! Yes, it was one of those aha moments. This particular friend happens to be one of those people who always says exactly what I need to hear, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

Sugar is bad for me? No sugar for me! Being vegan makes you live longer? You’re a vegan now! You want to be a yoga instructor? You must practice daily yoga at a studio every day and then fly off to Denver and become a teacher, this instant! Then you will be perfect enough to qualify for athletic scholarships… But only when you’re a healthy beast!

Well, one of those is going to happen and I’m jazzed about it, but I’m becoming more focused on making small changes that get me where I want to be. I want to be healthy. So, instead of telling myself that I know what that means and that I just have to give up everything, right now, I’m easing into it. I’ve shaken the caffeine monster this week. Which is a grand success! Instead of taking on sugar and wheat and processed foods and caffeine, I just picked one to focus on.

Acceptance

After giving up the caffeine, and the obsessive, negative “giving everything up” cycle I’ve been in (hmmm… giving up giving up stuff… there’s a paradox for you), I decided to put the scale away and work on acceptance with where I’m at. This goes hand in hand with the slow growth I’m looking for. I’ve been really competative with myself lately and it’s been kind of hell. But as soon as I laid off of the shoulds: “You should weigh 6 lbs less to be at what scientists say is the BMI that men are most attracted to,” or, “You should be doing at least three hours of daily yoga,” I really started to feel fantastic.

What did you learn this week?

Time: why is it so hard to keep track of the stuff?

Last week’s decision to put the kaibosh on dating was a really good one. This week has been wholly amazing! Apparently, boys are trouble and completely not worth it. I’m not talking never, but just not now (double negative action!).

In the past week, I’ve done more yoga, writing, cooking, baking, wandering and catching up with old friends and family than I have since that whole break up thing. I know what I want to do and I realize that dating was just a distraction from all of that. Now that I have my priorities set, it’s time to get everything in order.

It looks like I’m continuing my gypsy ways for a while longer this year. I’ll be in Chicago until the middle of February and then I’m off to Denver, Colorado to get my yoga training on.

I figure, if I’m going to be doing yoga every day, I may as well learn how to teach it. And I may as well do that with one of the coolest yoga ladies on the face of the planet: Ana Forrest. She’s the creator of Forrest yoga and pretty much the coolest modern yogi on the face of the planet.

After Denver… Uh, well, who knows. One thing that’s for sure, is that I’m going to have to get a good schedule going in order for all of this vagabonding to work this year. I know you were looking to this blog for something really exciting. And now I’m talking about time management. Well, you get what you pay for… wink wink, nudge nudge.

Give me a dollar and I’ll tell you about the offer I got last week from a dude who wanted to impregnate me. I’m not using a euphemism. He didn’t want have sex with me. He just wanted to “put a baby inside” of me.

Or I’ll tell you about the homeless man who quoted Aleister Crowley to me a few days ago. “Bring the glory of the stars into the heart of man,” he said as I stepped onto the train.

Those were freebies. And they’re also a good example of what I’m saying about time management. I need to figure out how to get a grip and stay focused on the task at hand.

Any tips?

Plaid can provide great camouflage when hiding from menfolk.

So, life seems to have a way of bouncing you back in forth when you’re trying to move past something painful. Sometimes it’s hard to wake up in the morning knowing that every day can end up going either way. You could have an amazing day full of new beginnings, or something could trigger the pain bubble and send you spiraling to a point of minor despair. But if you get the courage to tumble out of bed and put your best foot forward, every day can yield a lesson. If you’re open to it, you can change yourself and change your behavior because of that lesson. Growth can only really happen if you make the decision to move forward and stay open.

I saw an episode of a sitcom the other day, and one of the characters made the point that you can do one of two things after a break up. You can throw yourself into work, bettering yourself and moving forward with your career. Or you can move on by getting back out there and playing the field. I don’t think that one way is better than the other, but I tend to agree that this is generally how people react after a break up.

At first, I really thought it was necessary to do both. I really thought I should better myself, heal, take my career to the next level, travel, study yoga and comedy, take care of a stranger’s home in a strange land and… date.

I thought that in order to move on, you had to start dating. I mean, when your ex moves on, you should too. And that means that you need to begin going on dates. So despite my real feelings about the whole idea of dating right now (I abhorred it), I assumed it was a necessary part of getting on with my life.

So I did it. I started dating. I internet dated. I went on dates with people I’d met in the real world. I went on a date with an artist, a yogi, a photographer, a student, and a software engineer. I was talking to several dudes that I never had the time to meet. My phone was blowing up like a call girl with an ad in Vegas newspaper. I was keeping busy, and it was all pretty exciting and then… Boom!

After a decent second date with a decent guy that ended in a decent second make out session, I woke up and tumbled out of my bed with the feeling of despair for the second time. This guy was great, but I kept getting this feeling that I didn’t want anything to do with it. I didn’t want to convince someone else that I’m worthwhile to date and hear all of the reasons why they’re worthwhile to date. I didn’t want to move past my baggage and his baggage. I’m just not interested. There are too many awesome things going on in my life right now.

My job is fantastic. I love the people I get to work with and the work I get to do. I love having the freedom to get up and follow my dreams and my whims, wherever they may lead me. So, I’m done dating and I’m moving on in my own way. Looks like that will take us into the mountains this time. More on that next week… Stay tuned!

Everything is perfect. It’s an early morning in Chicago and it’s, yet again, unseasonably warm. I wake up in what seems like a John Mayer music video, minus the John Mayer part, and I’m okay with that. I’ve been at this house sit for a few days and I’m trying desperately to get out of the funk that I was in last week in order to enjoy this to the fullest. I mean, looking around I can’t really believe that I’m here, just a few months ago, I was sitting in my parents place, afraid of where I would end up, afraid of being alone.

I stretch and tumble out of bed, ruffle the hair on Hayley’s head (the lovely house sit collie) and notice the sunshine pouring in as I make a pot of tea. I fry an egg and throw it on a bed of polenta and start taking pictures to test the light for future food pictures for my vegan recipe blog. It’s beautiful.

Hayley and I ramble around the neighborhood, snuggle on the couch. I read, enjoy the quiet, put on dubstep, dance like a crazy person. I wander over into an industrial district and climb the stairs to a light-flooded yoga studio. I stretch and hold and move forward and learn about my body and feel myself begin to mend. Then I sit down here and try to figure out how to put it all into words.

My ego was damaged last week. It hurt to be toyed with, but in the end, everything I felt last week, a few months ago, last night, I realize that I made myself feel that way. I made myself afraid. I made myself feel unwanted and unloved. I made myself  fear that I would never have a better existence than the dysfunctional one that I knew so well. But when I think about how lucky I am that I fell into this place at a time when I so desperately needed to heal, well, I can’t help but let all of my fear drop to the floor and become excited about the future. I mean, look at this place.

Hola Inbetweenies! I’ll get back to my normal goofy and jazzed-for-everything-about-life self next week. Right now, I have some things to get off my chest. Is this going to be like that time when I listened to Sea Change and talked about living in purgatory? No… Okay. Maybe a little bit.

It just seems that every time I finally start feeling better, and I’m getting excited about the world that’s becoming my own, I get smacked with a new version of the old bag of tricks. He contacts me to say that he wants to forgive me, bury the hatchet; that he wants to say sorry, even though he never really says it. In the end, days later, when I realize I let him beat me down once again, I also realize that there is no fixing this anymore.

There’s no going back to the way I felt when I was that administrative assistant who fell in love with his easy charm. It’s time to surrender and step away. There’s no way a person who holds such anger for me could be a part of my life. Friends? Forgiveness? Love? These are just words. It’s apparent that we can’t live any of these things with each other.

Over. That’s the only word that fits right now. It’s the only one that feels right. We could spend weeks throwing around blame, but it’s just done. So let’s just let it be done. Let’s act like grown ups about it, and move along on our separate paths.

I’m open to all of the signs that are pointing the way while I walk in this new direction. I listen for truth and feel my way. I am present on this journey and I see the brightness in it. I never feel like I’m walking in the dark, because at every turn, things seem to become more illuminated.

I feel every step. I’ve taken the blindfolds from my feet and I see the path from the arch, heel, sole and soul.  And with every step, I gain more purpose, more focus. I gather goals and reset the course. With every step, I feel that this was the right thing to do. I made a choice to live my life in constant transition for awhile, and I live in the consequences. Some of them are beautiful, some of them are challenging. Once this is truly over, I know my steps will be lighter. When the past stops pulling at me, pretending to be the present, I’ll finally be free.

I had this thought this morning in the shower, after I sent the message that will finally end it all: I fantasize about the day when I see your face and can walk away. I’m smiling and so are you. I laugh and turn away. You laugh and let me go.

Perhaps it’s just a fantasy. Only time will tell.

New Year, New Yoga!

Hello In Betweeners! Happy New Year! This is so exciting! I’d like to tell you a little about my amazing New Years Eve experience. It was one of those beautiful days that will shape the rest of my year. Here’s what went down:

Yesterday, I headed to Chicago for my Second City orientation. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Second City, it’s a world famous sketch comedy school. It’s where Tina Fey, Jim Belushi, and Bill Murray (among many, many other comedic geniuses) have studied. Walking in those doors, I figured I was in for a sarcastic, joke filled, “pick on an audience member” kind of orientation. I mean, it’s a comedy school, aren’t they supposed to be all about making fun?

I never really thought about the term “making fun” but that’s exactly what they do at Second City. They make life fun. That place is about pure surrender and joy. It’s also about togetherness, community, and creativity. It just so happens that this highly enlightened group of individuals works within the parameters of comedy sketches. I knew I was drawn to this place for a reason, but I had no idea that it was going to jive with the path I was already on in such a meaningful way. I figured I would learn how to write a few jokes and that I would learn how to make fun of the world. I never imagined that I was going to be learning how to make fun in the world. Score!

Then, I went on to one of the most memorable and life enhancing New Years Eve nights that I have ever experienced. Instead of spending my new year drinking too much, kissing a stranger, feeling gross about it, and starting off the year with a massive hangover, I cashed in my chips and signed up for a NYE gathering at a yoga studio I had never been before called Turbodog Yoga. They teach Forrest yoga, which I had never practiced before. It’s amazing. It’s a practice that’s devoted to personal growth. The lovely instructors were very hands on. They use their hands to instruct the air in your body where to go and making a ton of adjustments while they teach you about your body. Double score!

After practice, we had an amazing pot luck picnic and moved onto an intention and goal setting ceremony that was out of this world. It not only aligned me with what I want to do in the coming year, it also gave me a new sense of power and joy that I’m really spreading around today. We used ceremony to determine our goals, their implications, the things that usually block us from achieving goals and we made concrete plans to fully realize our goals and intentions.

It was awesome! And I have so much more to tell you… but alas, we’re out of time again. Bah! P.S. Does anyone know how to make more time?

How was your NYE? What are your goals for the new year?

From the balcony at Luna's

Happy Solstice everyone! I reeeeeally reaaaally reaaally want to talk about what’s going on right now, but I’m a charming, sweet and lovely lady of my word so I’ll carry on with ye old Panama Update. I’m going to have to figure out how to either slow down time, or be less awesome in the future, because we’re weeks behind on real time now and I’m already onto new things that I’d like to talk about. C’est la vie. Let’s do this.

So, when we left off, we dropped the super eccentric Linda at the airport to fly back to Georgia for the holidays. I still had 7 days in Panama City to play around with, so I headed over to the enchanted Luna’s Castle to see what was up with the whole staying in a hostel thing.

I don’t know about you, but when I was young, I dreamed about backpacking around the world, staying in hostels, and lying around in hammocks all the live long day. But I never did it, until I took this year off. That’s what this year is about folks, making dreams come true.

Like most dreams and fantasies, it was everything and nothing like I imagined it would be. In a nutshell, it was:

• communal living
• falling in love every four hours
• meeting fantastic people
• taking fantastic spur of the moment trips to tropical island raves where bonding with said fantastic people took place
• too short
• exhausting
• warm
• rainy
• beautiful

I’m realizing every day that this year off, isn’t really a year off in the truest sense of the word. I’m not relaxing for months at a time. I still have a few responsibilities. But I took off for a year. I quit my old life. And I did it for the same reason that most people do it, to find myself, to understand who I am and what I need to do in this crazy world.

It’s more about doing the most with the hand I’ve been dealt, exploring the land around me (wherever that may be), growth, understanding, realizing my dreams, developing my vegan food blog, and love. Mostly about love. I’ll wake up every day just to fall in love with every moment of it. If it turns out that I’ve missed the point, I’m okay with that.

So, I’ve found Chicago. It was right under my nose the whole time. I’ll be here for a few months this winter taking classes at The Second City and learning how to make people laugh. It has one of the best online colleges for clowns and misc. jokers, but I decided to do the whole thing in person. While I’m here, I’ve been hanging out with an amazing Chicago comic artist and catching up with some old friends. I hope you all have some amazing and relaxing holidays. See you next week!

It seems like there’s too much time in between these posts. The last post was about the flight to Panama. I touched down safely on American soil a few days ago and I’ve been settling back into winter and home life.  That’s a huge gap.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give a quick update that includes every single thing that happened in the last few weeks from the time the plane landed in Panama to this very moment (okay… I’ll just give you the highlights). I’ll try to come back to highlight the highlights and explain in detail how amazing/relevant/fun or enlightening they were in later posts, but this year is moving so quickly I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a boring week to get reminiscent in… here’s to hoping.

1. First day? Flat tire in Panama City at 3 a.m.
2. Linda. Oh Linda, there’s so much to say about this woman. Linda deserves a post of her own. That one is going to happen next week. Possibly tomorrow. For now, I’ll just tell you that Linda’s the kind of woman whose 19 year old cat rides in first class on international flights.
3. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches. That’s pretty much what I lived on for six days. It’s way more awesome than it sounds.
4. Stayed next to Nombre De Dios which is where Columbus ran into the Americas. It translates to “Name of God.” Linda said that when Columbus hit Panama, he took one look around and said, “What in the name of god is this place?” I’m sure that’s totally historically accurate.
5. Meditation and yoga on the beach for 6 days. Seriously, you have no idea how long I focused on the left upper corner of this rock…  Or how long I sat on this stump with my eyes closed… 
6. Worked out of a screened in cabana on the beach. Fudge. That was awesome. Here’s a picture.
7. Pomeranian guard posse in the jungle. There were about ten of them that would gather on the roof when anyone walked by… Here’s a picture of that too. 

Panamas jungles are green. The air hangs about you during the day and it smells like warm mixture of pine, palm and marijuana. When you’re on the equator, you’re pushed up to the heavens. You’re literally closer to the sun, moon and stars. There’s something about this area that both roots you to the earth and pulls your mind to the sky. In the quiet rhythm of the sea, I was able to experience mental silence. In the thin veil of wet air, I was able to exist without thought. With my feet scraping up against the dead reef, I was able to become mesmerized with the space in between the stars, instead of the stars themselves.

And there we are. Once again, I’ve been too wordy to fit it all into one post and we’re out of time. I need to get back to work. What do I do? I’m a CIA agent. What? You thought I was a smelly hippie? How. dare. you. I might just hunt you down and challenge you to a dual. And when I slap you with my fair trade, hemp mitten, you sir, will be sorry.

So stay tuned for next week’s Panama post. We’ll head over to Luna’s castle, meet some amazing people, and then we’ll impulsively hop in a car with a bunch of strangers to an electronica festival on a tropical island. For reals.