A Year In Between

Hola Inbetweenies! I’ll get back to my normal goofy and jazzed-for-everything-about-life self next week. Right now, I have some things to get off my chest. Is this going to be like that time when I listened to Sea Change and talked about living in purgatory? No… Okay. Maybe a little bit.

It just seems that every time I finally start feeling better, and I’m getting excited about the world that’s becoming my own, I get smacked with a new version of the old bag of tricks. He contacts me to say that he wants to forgive me, bury the hatchet; that he wants to say sorry, even though he never really says it. In the end, days later, when I realize I let him beat me down once again, I also realize that there is no fixing this anymore.

There’s no going back to the way I felt when I was that administrative assistant who fell in love with his easy charm. It’s time to surrender and step away. There’s no way a person who holds such anger for me could be a part of my life. Friends? Forgiveness? Love? These are just words. It’s apparent that we can’t live any of these things with each other.

Over. That’s the only word that fits right now. It’s the only one that feels right. We could spend weeks throwing around blame, but it’s just done. So let’s just let it be done. Let’s act like grown ups about it, and move along on our separate paths.

I’m open to all of the signs that are pointing the way while I walk in this new direction. I listen for truth and feel my way. I am present on this journey and I see the brightness in it. I never feel like I’m walking in the dark, because at every turn, things seem to become more illuminated.

I feel every step. I’ve taken the blindfolds from my feet and I see the path from the arch, heel, sole and soul.  And with every step, I gain more purpose, more focus. I gather goals and reset the course. With every step, I feel that this was the right thing to do. I made a choice to live my life in constant transition for awhile, and I live in the consequences. Some of them are beautiful, some of them are challenging. Once this is truly over, I know my steps will be lighter. When the past stops pulling at me, pretending to be the present, I’ll finally be free.

I had this thought this morning in the shower, after I sent the message that will finally end it all: I fantasize about the day when I see your face and can walk away. I’m smiling and so are you. I laugh and turn away. You laugh and let me go.

Perhaps it’s just a fantasy. Only time will tell.